Zimbabwe: Ghetto Blast – Water Crisis a Blessing in Disguise

Acute water shortages that have literally taken the glitter off city life have come as a blessing in disguise, blowing the lid off the cauldron of love cheats, thieves and those who dabble in witchcraft.

So heaven-sent appears this crisis that this writer wishes it could last longer. Were it not for the water shortage, Julius would not have known what was going on behind his back for a good measure of his married life.

In his mental eye and in public, he was his wife’s only love — something that made him think he was the most blessed and luckiest of men in the world. But the opposite was true.

Mukadzi akange ari nzira yemunhu wese, ada atora dhongi rekuchigayo.

His wife Juliet had developed a bad habit.

She would steal from the matrimonial bed before he could enjoy his conjugal rights and even before dawn.

At times her itchy feet would force her to leave her husband alone at home on the pretext of looking for water.

And how addicted to this had his wife become?

Day-after-day — clad in a thigh-revealing nightdress and holding a pail in one hand — she would, like a prophet on a missionary journey, venture into the forest in the guise of looking for water.

Unbeknown to her, Julius was now suspicious.

One day he followed her at a distance, only to see her being embraced by a tall dark figure in the thicket.

She did the unthinkable and when she was done, Juliet was shocked to see her husband at the wrong place at the wrong time.

But the case is not confined to this couple.

So many people out there are cheating on their spouses using the current shortages as a cover.

“Today, I am going to be late. I want to pass through a workmate’s house to collect water because she has a borehole,” you hear men being told over the phone.

Whether these conversations border on the truth or not gentle reader is a subject for another day, but that men are being duped over the water issue is as true as the fact that the sun will rise again tomorrow.

Some men of questionable integrity are also not to be outdone.

They are spending time looking for water for their lovers while their families are losing sleep trying to get to the nearest boreholes.

Chinhu chese pasi pano,

Hapana chinhu chakaipa,

Munhu chete pasi pano,

Ndiye ega akaipa,

Inga doro rakanaka, haridhake asinganwe,

Kana bhawa rakanaka, pamba penyu harisvike,

Kana jere rakanaka, harisiro rinokusunga, sang the self-proclaimed messenger of God Hosiah Chipanga and the Broadway Sounds.

And true to the song, people either make or unmake themselves through deeds.

Unozvirongera dhende nekuda kushamisira.

Instead of coming together to sink boreholes and dig wells, countless people find the water crisis as an opportunity to bed as many people as possible at the expense of their health and financial well-being.

The water crisis, gentle reader has also exposed the characters of some people we live with in the communities.

Because people will be collecting water from communal wells, some women are picking fights with others there, soiling their images.

Trips down the river are now being remembered more for gossip and plans people are hatching to destroy a neighbour’s home.

“If she comes here we must just beat her up. How can such a small girl not greet elders. She seems to take offence each time we greet her husband and this is the perfect opportunity to beat the living daylights out of her,” yours truly heard some women scheming.

The water shortages have brought drama to the ghetto.

Even guys hunting for girls to marry are also trooping to the watering points.

Once there, they start performing some random acts of caring all in the hope of being accepted as likable characters before accomplishing their mission.

Women on the love market are also doing the same.

If they meet a prospective lover’s mother at the well, she will be accorded all the respect she needs in exchange for good words which might result in the girl being thrown into the kitchen.

The water crisis has also exposed prostitutes.

People in the world’s oldest profession operate under cover of darkness.

Because people are waking up early to fill up their containers, ghetto people have fed their eyes on seeing a sister from the hood grappling for payment from a client in the wee hours.

Respectable women who fight for clients under cover of darkness have also been seen by all and sundry during the subsistence of this crisis.

The water shortage has also worsened the plight of lodgers in the ghettos.

Countless lodgers have suffered the misfortune of waking up to locked toilets while others have been told straight in the eye to find alternative accommodation.

“Kana zvanetsesesa mwanangu tsvaga pamwe,” I heard a friend being told by his landlord.

So providential to this writer has the water crisis been gentle reader.

Some tenants have since been advised to fill drums of water to have access to the toilet while those with children are going through hell being asked to spray perfume at 30-minute intervals.

The obtaining water crisis has also seen a good number of newly-married women falling under the weight of blows by their husbands demanding to know why their overalls were not washed on time.

“Go back to your people. Kutadza kuwacha mbatya dzangu dzebasa,” women are told while being kicked around like plastic balls.

It can be worse if the husband is suspecting his wife of infidelity. The insults at times just get unbearable.

Guys who recently got married and are still so into their wives at times elect to attend funerals alone for fear the love of their lives while be assigned to fetching water from the community borehole, attracting the attention of former lovers and men generally attracted to her chocolate skin, now called proper ganda in street lingo.

In this water crisis, hosting a party is now tricky. You will be stuck with dirty dishes for a long time while very few people accept food for fear of eating stuff that is not handled with hygeine.

Gentle reader, much as we enjoy the drama that comes with the water crisis, the authorities need to take immediate steps to ensure supplies return to normal before a health crisis sets in.

Inotambika mughetto!